i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize