watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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