oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
did i walk over a car last night?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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