im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
