guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize