He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
