When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
