Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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