Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
