My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
