I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
