Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Semen is not good for contacts.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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