take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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