A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
