Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
