In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
