Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
