I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
