I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
