Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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