the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
