Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
