I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
