i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
