Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
