I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
