What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
50% drunk capacity currently
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
