I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
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