I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I met the friendliest cop last night
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
