Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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