I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
