i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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