More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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