In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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