A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
