I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
