I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
