Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
