Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
