I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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