i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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