It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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