I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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