woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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