He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
