R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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