Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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