someone owes me an orgasm
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
