when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
tell your sister to shave her snatch
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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