Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
