Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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