I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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