I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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