you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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