I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
