The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize