My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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