The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
