Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
