guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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