It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
