Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I could make wine with my vomit
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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